


To My Love

by kakashisninken



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: F/M, Mention of Death, Mention of Suicidal Ideas, Rey is feeling dark and darker, Rey is on a journey, Reylo Charity Anthology, Reylo Charity Anthology: across the stars, World Between Worlds, mention of suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-14
Updated: 2020-02-14
Packaged: 2021-02-28 05:21:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,904
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22708420
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kakashisninken/pseuds/kakashisninken
Summary: One year after the fall of the First Order and the death of the redeemed Ben Solo, Rey continues her search to bring him back. As the Force becomes unbalanced with her twisting emotions, Rey must trust in the Force to guide her back to one she loved.
Relationships: Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 2
Kudos: 14
Collections: Reylo Charity Anthology: Volume 2





	To My Love

**Author's Note:**

> This was a story I did with in collaboration with Leandra (jagthepsychic on twitter) for this year's Reylo Charity Anthology. She has drawn a beautiful comic to accompany this and I hope you'll get a chance to read it.

**_I had never felt so alone_ **

* * *

Rey had always wondered what her life would be like with her parents in it.

Thousands of days and nights spent dreaming of another life. Nights she spent in her parents embrace instead of alone in a makeshift hammock. Maybe they’d live somewhere with trees and crystal blue lakes. Maybe one day she would meet a boy. One to walk by her side for the rest of her life. To have a home and a family of her own. 

Instead she was twenty one years old, with nothing left.

Weeks spent alone, ripping apart the ancient texts of Ahch-To. Sand was the only home Rey knew without Kylo... _Ben_. So she would stay in the barren, desolate wasteland they called Tatooine until it was time to see him again. 

“Be with me” she would chant, beg. 

All alone in the sandy ruins of the Lars Homestead. Every night, praying and pleading to the Force. ‘ _Bring him to me, show him to me_ ’.

But Ben Solo never came. Not as a whisper, not as an apparition in a blue haze. Nothing. 

* * *

**_You’re not alone_ **

* * *

But she was.

The weeks began to turn into months and Rey began to feel emptier and emptier. Ben may have brought her back to life but her soul was dying, so slowly. The flame of hope inside her dimmed lower and lower each day. The texts brought nothing to light, no new information. Rey had reached her dead end, way before she had truly begun. 

There had to be some older, wiser being that could help her. Someone must know how to bring him back. Where would she begin to look, as far as she knew she was the only one of her kind left.

* * *

**_This is not going to go the way you think._ **

* * *

Keeping busy, Rey had managed to scrape pieces of junk together to repair the moisture farm. Give the old place some use. It wasn’t in its full glory but it was functional at the very least. This wasn’t going to be a permanent home, she knew that much but at least someone like her could find the homestead and live there. This didn’t have to be some sacred tomb like it had been for the past three decades. 

Tatooine locals say the old Lars homestead is haunted. Legends of tragic death by the hands of the Empire. Rumour has it, if you go to the ruins and walk in it’s sand filled rooms, you’ll hear a whisper. Almost a tickle as it floats by your ear. An older woman calling out a name, the name of the man she loved. Forever will she walk the empty rooms of the homestead, searching for the man she spent her life with. The locals never go to the old Lars homestead.

They were not entirely wrong. These rooms were haunted, but not by a woman searching for her beloved.

“What are you still doing here kid?” A voice startled Rey.

It had snuck up behind her, her guard completely down. A shiver ran up her spine as she turned around, wondering why she hadn’t sensed him sooner.

_Master Luke_. 

In all his long beard and white robe glory. Drowned in a blue glow.

“I’m trying to find Ben. I need somewhere no one can find me so I can concentrate” 

“He’s gone Rey” 

The words had hit her like a ton of bricks. _Gone_. Everything inside her reached for denial, anger. Unable to process it. It was better when no one came to see her, so they couldn’t rub salt into the wounds. 

“You…” she pointed at him, her eyes beginning to water, “...this is your fault.” Rey spat viciously. 

Luke stood back in shock. With a rational mind, Rey would have never thrown such an accusation towards her own Master. But rational didn’t work anymore. All she could feel was months of bottled emotions bubbling to the surface. Threatening to overflow. 

“Every. Single. One. Of. You. Where were you when he needed you? He died in my arms and you all did **nothing.** ”

“You must understand that’s not how the Force—“

“You could all come together when I needed the strength to take Palpatine alone, but where were you all when my body was turning cold? Ben did not have to die.”

“It was his time—“

“How could you say that?” Rey gasped, not believing what she was hearing. 

How could they have given up on him? His own family. Didn’t they believe he should be alive and happy? To have a life that was more than darkness and pain. Was she selfish for wanting to be apart of that life they could have had together? If the Jedi code had anything to say about it, yes. 

“Is he even with you?” 

A silence filled the room, her tears flowed down her cheeks quicker than she could wipe them subtly away. Her anger, her grief, her sorrow exploding out of her after months of trying to keep it together. The damage was done yet Rey couldn’t help but feel relieved.

“Well is he?” 

“I can’t find him…”

Ben was lost? Somewhere even the Force could not find him? Rey could not believe it. His body had fallen from her arms, she had watched over him as he faded into the Force. Left with nothing but his clothes and the grief of finally having him, only to lose him. 

“But it doesn’t mean he’s not in the Force,” Luke said, sensing the hope and desperation in Rey. 

“This means everything.”

* * *

**_It is._ **

* * *

Rey could not deny the truth. She was being eaten alive. As if she had died with Ben that awful night and was walking around in a dead woman’s body instead. Perhaps those with bonds tied in the Force should become one with it together. The idea of anyone going on like this astonished Rey. There was no simple way to describe it. As time went on the emptiness began to chip away at her soul. She felt herself twisting and morphing into someone she was beginning not to recognise. Was she destined to feel this way for the rest of her life? How long before she was no longer Rey? 

She tried to find guidance in the Force. Taking more time out of her day to meditate and focus on what it’s ultimate will was. Waiting for a message, a sign, a clue. Anything to point her in Ben’s direction.

She hadn’t seen a soul, living or dead, since Luke. It was better that way.

The suns were setting and the glow turned the dunes deep red and Rey stood quietly, sand had gently flown by her ankles as she focused. Eyes closed, breath steady, her mind sensing. Reaching out towards something unknown, like a light in the dark. In her mind, Rey approached it, taking cautious steps. Her fingers dancing around it’s glow until…

“Go to Lothal,” a voice commanded. A man’s voice. Travelling through her, leaving her spine tingling and her body shuddering. Rey’s eyes opened immediately, more aware of her surroundings than ever. 

“Lothal,” Rey repeated softly to herself, making her way back inside the homestead. 

* * *

On the edge of the Outer Rim, on the border of the Calamari Sector, sat Lothal. A grassy planet with rock, mountains, and oceans. A step up from Tatooine and Jakku. 

With her bags packed immediately, Rey started the Falcon up, typing the light speed coordinates into the navigational system. She understood the destination was Lothal but where would she go once she arrived? It was not as if the voice told her anything more than the planets name. 

It was a test. Despite her heartbreak, her fading belief, she had to trust the Force even if she had begun to feel more and more skeptical in her place within all of this. 

Perhaps the Force had finally realised the mistake it had made. Taking away the dark to her light, the moon to her sun. The sun had never felt more violent than it did without him by her side. Now it was time for the Force to right its wrongs. 

She took off towards the stars, the hyperdrive in full effect. Blue rays like blaster fire passed her by at the speed of light as she lay back in the pilots seat, the Force hummed in anticipation.

Lothal was not far from Tatooine. Tatooine being in the mid rim on the east side of the galaxy, Lothal in the west. It did not matter, Rey would have travelled millions of light years away, across the universe and through black holes and asteroid fields to get Ben Solo back. To have him in her arms once more, alive and smiling. To have him warm her bed, to share her life. 

Rey tried to remember what his hand in hers felt like, how warm his hand was as he rubbed her neck that fateful day. How his pillow like lips felt as they crashed to hers, like a violent wave hitting the shore. 

He would be back again in her arms soon—she would do anything.

The freighter landed out of hyperspace and outside the planets orbit. Rey looked down to take in the sight below. She had seen many more planets now since she was plucked from Jakku but still each one was more breathtaking than the last. Lothal had beautiful green islands and deep blue seas, a lot like Takodana. Rey was mesmerised then and she was mesmerised now. Finding a place to land the ship was the current issue. The voice told her to go to Lothal, not exactly where in Lothal.

Reaching out to the Force, she scanned the planet, waiting for something to call out. It happened so quickly, this feeling in her gut. Opening her eyes, Rey just knew. 

_Capital City._

What a fitting name. It was always smart to search at the center of it all, especially when you have no idea what you're looking for in the first place. Something called to her, summoned her and Rey was going to follow it through, no matter the risk. 

There was nothing like it. In the daylight sun, the city glistened like a large white crystal. It’s skyline an unusual shape Rey had never seen quite before. Skyscrapers stood tall, dominating the landscape while the buildings below were tiny dots littering the bulk of the city. 

It was beautiful, Rey had to admit. But there was no enjoying it for long, not without Ben. The matter pressed on her urgently. She was on Lothal, in a city she had never been before. Where does one begin finding a clue when one does not know what they’re looking for? Swallowing the lump forming in her throat and the tears prickling at her eyes, Rey flew towards the city.

The Falcon sat in the Capital City spaceport while Rey ventured onto the streets alone. Her hair no longer in its signature three buns, instead she wore it down, her chestnut strands long enough to bounce along her shoulders. Two strands tied at the back, just how it looked the first time she touched Ben’s hand. How it looked when they fought the Praetorian guards together the night he killed his Master. How it looked when he broke her heart, offering her a proposal she could never have taken. 

Looking back on the whole thing, Rey wished she had taken his hand that night. Something she’d never truly admit to anyone. Looking back on it, Rey did not know when she had forgiven him truly. Perhaps they had called it even when she stabbed him with his own saber on the watery ruins of the Death Star. Though, Rey still felt guilty about stabbing him. If only she had the chance to apologise to him properly.

She wore her hood of her dark, worn robe down, unbothered about hiding her identity. Underneath her dark grey pants and her tan belt hanging off her hips. Ben’s sweater, ill-fitting but comfortable. It was the only time she had felt at ease, wearing his clothes. Something to feel close to him though his scent was long gone by now. Her saber hung off her belt, lightly hitting her outer thigh as she walked down the streets of Capital City. Her best bet for any information would be the Marketplace. Something was always happening in a marketplace.

Catching the speeder bus to the Northern Market District was a smart idea. A quick route to the market with only one stop on the way. Quietly Rey observed her surroundings on the ride over, looking out for any sign or clue. 

* * *

**_Why is the force connecting us?_ **

* * *

Ake’s Tavern still stood proudly in the North Market District of Capital City. The tavern sat on the outskirts of town, away from its glorious skyscrapers. The Gray Syndicate used to control the tavern until the Empire came and eliminated the entire syndicate, still Ake’s was filled with Lothal’s lowlifes just as Ergel’s Bar was in Cratertown.

Lowlifes weren’t the best company to have. Anyone with a functioning brain or a working AI chip would tell you that but Rey could not lie. Lowlifes had the best intel. There was no need for a Jedi mind trick, not when they’d tell you anything for another drink. So Rey lay low, nursing a glass of cider while she listened to those around her. 

At first it was nothing exciting. Tales of plundering in the Mid Rim. Discussions on the next job, who to hit next. Over exaggerated stories about the final battle between the Resistance and the First Order. If only Rey cared enough to correct them. The incoming battleships that Lando Calrissian had scrounge together sure helped put a nail in the First Order’s coffin. But no one knew the tale of the girl, underground in the darkness, all alone. The girl with a tainted bloodline who took down the Emperor with two lightsabers and the strength of the Jedi before her. Nor did they hear the tale of the boy who brought her back to life, giving his own life in the process.

Taking a sip from the rounded clay cup, Rey could not help but feel a pang of sadness. Ben Solo should have had that other lightsaber, he should have been right next to her as she took down Palpatine. They should have done it together.

“ _Rey…_ ” a voice spoke in a whisper, snapping her out of her sorrow.

Something was happening, she might just be finally getting her answers after all. Initially looking around the room, there was nothing unusual. The patrons were minding their own business, clinking cups and laughing. But then Rey looked again. Past the jolly drunks and gamblers till her eyes met someone else’s and then they were stuck. An old man sat alone in a booth tucked away in the corner, his hands wrapped around his cup. Rey frowned, unsure as to why the old man happened to stare at her. He signalled her silently to come over to him and Rey obliged, slipping into the booth across from him. What else was she to do?

“Can I help you?” she asked. 

“Yes, you can”

The old man’s appearance was peculiar. His skin the colour of copper, his eyes glowed a deep purple, his hair past his shoulders, a gradient of bright white roots down to his amethyst tips. The man was human yet at the same time he was different. Something hummed within him and Rey could feel it, its signature calm and knowing. Another Force user.

“I feel your anguish in the Force. It disturbs me greatly” The man said, causing Rey to screw up her nose. It’s not as if she could help her emotions and she certainly did not ask the Force to broadcast it to the whole galaxy. 

“So what is this? An intervention?”

“Not at all,” he said as he stood from the booth, “I’m here to help”.

Standing at the end of the table, he looked to Rey. She began to feel something in the Force, a question. ‘ _Are you coming?_ ’. With nothing to lose, Rey followed the man. Out of the bar and into an alley next to a worn down speeder. Rey wasn’t afraid, she could handle herself after all

* * *

**_You and I._ **

* * *

Past the highway and into the grasslands, tall blades of brown grass hit Rey’s feet and grazed her ankles as they sped by. The fields of Lothal showed nothing for miles, only grass and hills for the eye to see. It was quiet, barely a living creature in sight but still the Force hummed gently as they continued to ride towards the unknown. 

“What’s your name kid?” The man asked, his eyes focused on the path ahead of him.

“Rey.” Rey was just fine for now. There was no need for a family name.

At first she had embraced the Skywalker name. Felt as if she had proved herself worthy of such a noble name in the Force. It was better than going by her father’s last name: Palpatine. A name truly wicked and vile. Soon, as time went on, the Skywalker name seemed less and less appealing. For the first time in her life, Rey had finally come to terms with being no one. In fact, she was stronger this way. 

“What’s yours?” she asked.

“Ezra” Finally the man had a name. 

It was not the first time she had run off with someone without a thought or concern for the consequences afterwards. The first being Finn as they escaped Jakku on Han’s old freighter that was now her own. Sometimes she had wished she had stayed on Jakku and lived the rest of her days scratching tally’s on the wall and scavenging for scraps; continuing to be ignorant of the greater evils of the universe and of the power of the Force. The truth did not always set you free. This time she had hoped it would be different. The Force was asking her for her full trust, though it knew her faith was shaky. Maybe this time she ran off with a stranger it would fully pay off. 

“So do you mind telling me what’s going on?” 

It was a simple question. _What is going on?_ It was one Rey could ask the same but she knew this man was looking for answers of his own. Why was there a festering wound in the Force? Why could he feel a stranger, this stranger, deteriorating? 

“The Supreme Leader is dead” 

“Palpatine—”

“No. Not him… Kylo Ren” 

It felt wrong to utter the name darkness gave him. He was not Kylo Ren when he came to her aid in Exegol and he was not Kylo Ren as he faded into the Force. He had come home to Ben Solo and he died as Ben Solo but that was not something she expected others to understand.

“And that’s a problem?” Ezra tried to understand.

No. That wasn’t it. Peace and democracy had been brought to the galaxy when the phantom Palpatine and The First Order fell that day. Rey had felt that gratitude when she had returned to the Resistance Base in Ajan Kloss in Luke’s old X-Wing. The galaxy being put in a state of peace wasn’t the problem, in fact it was the very thing they had been fighting for her. The problem was the missing piece.

“Kylo Ren returned to the light before he died. We are bonded in the Force and now he is gone…” Rey could not finish her sentence, instead she hoped Ezra understood. 

Finn and Poe were skeptical. Just a mind trick, a lie, used to manipulate her. Kylo Ren could not have turned to the light, he was too evil. Too far gone. He was an excuse for her actions. Her anger, the dark rising within her like bile in her throat. Why she had become so cold and distant with them. Kylo Ren was gone. Good riddance.

Ezra took a moment to consider her words. His eyes locked onto the clear path ahead until he sighed, “You feel love for him, don’t you?”

“Yes… and now I am lost”

It was then when Ezra realised why the Force had summoned him back to Lothal. Why the Force had brought them together. He had felt similar loss when his Master sacrificed himself to protect the people he loved many years ago. 

“I know where to go now” Ezra said as they approached a clearing. Sitting on it a small, well- loved, ship similar in size to a shuttle. 

If his Master was here, he might have known another way, maybe in fact a better way. Kanan would tell him to help guide the girl to peace, to make amends with the Force. Let her join him, learn from him. Ezra was older now, much older than Kanan would ever be, and he knew that it was not going to work like that. He could take the girl under his wing, train her, help her find balance. Fix the wound in the Force. It wouldn’t matter, she’d still live with some misery, hiding within her like an itch to be scratched ‘till her time to become one with the Force arose. 

While Ezra set course to a place unknown, Rey sat in the co-pilot's seat and watched the world below her go by. Thinking about what would happen when Ben finally returns to her. Finn and Poe would not be accepting first but she had faith they would come around, maybe they’d grow to love him as she did. Ben could help her train Finn in the Force, a task she had been neglecting although he begged for help. Once they helped Finn maybe they could help others too. She was sure Ben would feel hard on himself about everything, about his mother and father, and his turn to the darkness but they would work through it together. Rey would finally feel light again. In the Force and within herself. Since Exegol she couldn't help but feel a heaviness wherever she roamed. 

* * *

**_The belonging you seek is not behind you_ **

* * *

They landed in another clearing, this time surrounded by dome like rocks. Not unusual for Lothals landscape. Walking in silence, they approached a tall rock with smaller ones scattered around it. Rey took another step further only to look back at Ezra who stood still.

“Do you know why we’re here?” he simply asked.

“No, no I don’t”

“This is a Jedi temple, not many of them left. This one is lucky to have survived. Have you been to a temple before?”

Rey had felt saddened to hear many of the old Jedi Temples had not made it out of both of the Empire and First Order’s reign. The thought of a safe place for the Jedi, who were peaceful and light, destroyed by something so dark and violent. 

“Once, it didn’t look like this though”

The old Jedi Temple on Lothal was not much to look at. To an uninformed eye, it looked as if it was a giant rock. The only thing making it stand out was it’s size, yet it still blended into the landscape perfectly. If you had flown by it you’d have never known. The temple on Ahch-To was different. Smaller, more homely. This temple stood tall and proud. 

“How do we get in?” Rey asked, unable to see a clear entrance.

“The first time my Master brought me here, he made me look for the entrance but I won’t play that game with you,” he laughed, “stand next to me. Centre yourself, we’ll use the Force. Together”

Rey and Ezra stood side by side, both hands reaching out for the Force. Eyes closed, concentrating, drawing slow breaths. Soon they heard a rumbling, feeling it under their feet first. Starting off slow, quiet before becoming louder and louder as the rock twisted itself open, revealing its door.

Rey had not seen anything like it before, constantly surprised at her own surprise. 

For the first time in awhile, she smiled. Looking straight at Ezra to see if he was seeing it too. His smile was soft, remembering how he felt as a young man seeing the Temple reveal itself for the first time. Rey was ready to run as if she was a child, unlock whatever secret waiting for her inside but a cool hand came down on her shoulder, holding her back for a moment.

“Easy now, there’s a few things we should talk about before you go inside”

Rey relaxed her muscles, tense from when Ezra had stopped her. She looked to Ezra, waiting patiently to hear what he had to say. Perhaps she had been overly eager to run into the Temple before, the realisation she did not actually know what to do had only hit her now.

“The thing is… What you’re looking for… if the Force wants you to find it, you will but listen to it. Let it guide you, and when you get to it you’ll know what to do”

“What is it exactly?”

It felt like an impossible puzzle. A riddle of sorts. Finding something she didn’t know a single thing about, being left small clues or hints not only by Ezra but by the Force itself. There was no doubt in anyone’s mind and her own that she was a brave woman. Braver than she thought she was but even she had to admit the ambiguity behind it all was frightening.

“It’s a gateway, Rey. A portal to time itself. The present, the past, the future. Time does not matter there. It’s dangerous, Rey” Ezra said, trying to make her understand what she was really getting herself into.

Finding herself speechless, Rey took a moment to look at the dirt covered ground. She thought she’d find texts or old knowledge left behind from the Jedi, a way to bring Ben into the Force at the very least. Not a gateway to time itself. Now she felt more nervous and terrified.

“How did he die?” Ezra asked.

“I died after I killed Palpatine, Ben used the last of his life force bringing me back”

There was a silence between them. Ezra knew all too well what the outcome of this would be.

“Pulling someone through a doorway is one thing but I’ll be honest with you, Rey. If you go through that doorway, if you help him in bringing yourself back, the you standing here right now will become one with the Force. It would be as if this conversation never happened. Time will need to correct itself. Are you sure you want to do this?”

_Are you sure you want to do this?_

No one wanted to die. It was an unspoken sentiment between all living organisms. The reason why the Emperor did the things he did, for the chance of eternal life. It was a natural instinct for Rey to want to run back to the ship, keep on living but then she remembered that there was no living without Ben. There was so much anger, so much grief. She couldn’t go on like this. Dying was not scary. In fact it was quite peaceful, a comfortable numbness as the light fades from your eyes. It was knowing you were going to die, that was the scary part.

Rey had hesitated enough. Her eyes met with Ezras, taking a deep breath. “Yes, I do”.

_For Ben…_

“Okay,” Ezra nodded understandingly, accepting her fate. “The Force will guide you, I know it will. I’ll wait out here for a moment, close the doorway after you go”

Taking one last look, Rey swallowed hard. Preparing herself for what she was going to do. Preparing herself to die, preparing herself to see Ben again, preparing to make things right. 

“Thank you, I really mean it” she said. Almost a pitiful show of gratitude. There were not enough words or actions that could show how truly thankful she was. He, a stranger, was giving her the chance to be with the one she truly loved again. Something she thought she’d never have.

“I hope we meet again, under better circumstances. Maybe Ben will be with you this time,” Ezra smiled. “May the force be with you, Rey” 

She nodded to him, acknowledging his farewell. Facing the Temple, Rey took a moment to center herself. Listening out for the Force. Waiting for a moment before the familiar hum filled her being. Her footsteps slow as she approached the Temple.

This was it. Everything she had wanted for the last year was about to happen. She could hardly believe it. No matter if her present self was not going to be the one to experience the life she had yearned for with Ben. A new version of herself was going to live it for her instead.

After all her anguish, her sorrow, her rage, Rey had finally felt at peace, one with the Force. Everything was going to be okay now, she believed this to be true. 

Rey continued to take her last steps towards the temple, the Force guiding her way, finally to be with the only man she had ever loved in her life again.

* * *

**_  
It is ahead._ **

**Author's Note:**

> Firstly thank you so much for taking the time to read. I hope you enjoyed it and I hope you'll go find the comic Leandra (jagthepsychic on twitter) did to continue the story. If you donated to the anthology then I have to say thank you. You've done an amazing thing for a great cause and I hope you enjoy the other fics and art within the anthology.
> 
> To Leandra, thank you so much. Firstly I wouldn't have even have thought to participate if it wasn't for you. You've been the most amazing person to work with and I'm so glad that this experience has brought us not only closer together as friends but also as creative partners. Although this is for the anthology, this is also dedicated to you.


End file.
